I can generally see to the heart of a tangled myth, but I miss simple things that are right in front of my face. Things that are very obvious to others. It’s like some kind of insight dissonance.
This week I realized the power of saying “I can’t” – something others probably figured out long ago. “I can’t” is different from saying “no”. Saying “I can’t” is recognizing when I have no choice, and surrendering to that. Just accepting my own limitations, instead of fighting (again) what I won’t defeat (again).
This week’s “I can’t” was in the realm of sustainable spirit and sustainable body. It acknowledges that I can’t sustain a relationship that consistently wakes me up at 3 a.m.
It’s my way to wake at 3 a.m., unable to sleep, when a relationship or other issue is bothering me. During those early hours, I am generally sitting at the kitchen table, trying to decide whether to make coffee or not, and going over all the ubiquitous guidelines: you can’t change others, you can only change yourself. And let go of the past – it’s just information.
And underneath my inability to go back to sleep is the feeling that gee, I’ve done an awful lot of work to still be someone who struggles with things at 3 a.m. Do I really have to wait until my next lifetime to get this? To be the wise woman who deals with every challenge with equanimity?
No, I don’t have to wait to get it. I can claim equanimity, if I acknowledge “I can’t.”
This week’s 3 a.m. “I can’t” realization – I need more distance in a relationship in my life. A relationship that brings drama, and is lacking in personal responsibility. But it’s important to say – this isn’t about what the other person is doing wrong. If they were solid, had healthy relationship processes, were impeccable – but being in relationship with them still kept me from sleeping – I’d need to say I can’t be in relationship with them, either. It’s not about others being wrong; it’s about acknowledging my own nature and limitations, not as they should be, but just as they are.
I do believe what’s put before me is for my growth, and a gift – whatever form it takes. Saying “I can’t” doesn’t relieve me of responsibility for my actions or choices. But it lets me deal with my life from a place of at least having gotten enough sleep. It’s admitting I’m human, and in admitting that I’m human, setting myself free of expectations that I’m not.
So this week, yes, there’s a relationship moving out of my life. I hope I can navigate that without undue pain to someone else, or to me. But it’s moving out, because I accept that I can’t do this (my life) any other way. I’m finally acknowledging “I can’t” because hours awake in the wee hours of the morning have taught me – it’s the only sustainable thing for me to do.
Blessings of this Pisces eclipse, to those who seek the balance between accountability and sustainability.
Thank you for sharing. The eclipses this month are bringing so many of us face to face with changes.
Yes, I was so glad you updated me on that a few months ago – it’s been explaining a lot –
Gosh… that really speaks to me and the relationship with my oldest daughter. I had to set her free because I couldn’t do the drama anymore. Much less do anything to change her or her circumstances. Had to change myself… but I still think of her and wonder… because I’m a human mother.
Thanks for allowing me to see more clearly. gw
re: because I’m a human mother
I can never just walk away. It just gets to a point that to do it is easier than not, but it’s still hard. Sending good thoughts your way, friend and sister …